


Bloom

by sote_faen



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Drug Addiction, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Help, I Don't Even Know, M/M, My First Fanfic, Recreational Drug Use, Slow Burn, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-12
Updated: 2020-03-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:56:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22685098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sote_faen/pseuds/sote_faen
Summary: Robbe and Sander but set in an alternative universe where magic is real. They meet while attending magical university. Robbe is a little herbalism nerd, who spends way too much time with his plants. Sander is Sander aka an angel, demon, art hoe.This is my first fic, sorry if it's trash ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Relationships: Noor Bauwens/Engel Beekman, Robbe IJzermans/Noor Bauwens, Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 23
Kudos: 126





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings:
> 
> Drug use

Robbe lays on his bed, staring at a particularly large crack in the ceiling right above his head. The heavy beat of the music makes his head throb, and he squeezes his eyes shut, takes a large drag of his joint and lest the hot smoke burn his throat before exhaling. He focuses on the tightness in his chest, feeling himself relax minutely with each drag. 

He isn't listening to his friends who are laying on his bedroom floor, but he can tell that they have emerged from their visions. Robbe had given them a tincture of Angel Bloom, a flower Robbe had grown in his campus greenhouse. One drop of the tincture taken under the tongue produced a mostly controllable daydream lasting around thirty minutes. Robbe hadn't taken any, telling the boys that he was staying clear headed to babysit them, but really, he was afraid that he wouldn't be able to control the visions enough to keep them from becoming too dark. When he was feeling really good he enjoyed Angel Bloom, but the last time he had taken it he had laid paralyzed by fear, unable to banish the shadows and voices from his head. Instead, Robbe stuck with the weed he had grown in his greenhouse over the summer. He smoked most days, at least at night because he liked the heaviness that crept through his blood, stilling his restless limbs and helping him control his breathing. 

Robbe glances at his friends. Aaron and Mojo were describing their visions, both of which contained girls, parties, and more girls. Robbe rolled his eyes, glancing at Jens. Jens was less lucid than the others, his eyes still slightly glazed. Robbe let his eyes slide shut, allowing the music to drown Aaron and Mojo's voices out. 

"Robbe!" 

Robbe works to focus his eyes on Jen's face, flinching slightly away from the close proximity. 

Jens grins, moving back. "Come on, Robbe, let's go to Noor's party." 

Robbe groans, moving up to lean on his elbows, shaking his head to help clear his weed fog.

"What's up with you, man? I don't get it, if I had a girlfriend as hot as Noor I wouldn't be grumbling about getting to see her!" Aaron shoved Robbe's legs off of the bed and flopped down at the foot. 

Robbe rolled his eyes at Jens who offered a small, sympathetic smile back before smacking Aaron on the back of the head and turning towards Robbe's bedroom door. "Let's go boys!"  
Mojo and Jens are out the door, Aaron trailing slightly behind, grumbling and rubbing his head. Robbe takes a deep breath before rolling slowly off his bed. He really doesn't want to go, really doesn't want to have to pretend in front of his friends, and really doesn't want to be around a bunch of strangers, but he also doesn't want to have to answer to Mojo and Aaron's questions. Plus, he doesn't want Jens to worry about him any more than he already does. 

Robbe grabs an oversized, olive green hoodie, tugging it over his head and grabbing his phone. His waves goodbye to his roommates, Zoe and Milan, as he passes them in the kitchen, and joins his friends in the cool night air outside. 

Noor's house, which she rented with some of her friends, was small but nice, especially for a college pad. The party wasn't a crazy one, those weren't Noor's style. It was mostly her friends from the art department, and they sat around chatting quietly, drinking and smoking. The music was soft and mellow. The boys had immediately grabbed a couple beers each and went to stand around the campfire in the back of the house, and Robbe trailed behind, pouring a couple shots worth of whiskey into a cup. 

He came to stand at the edge of the circle of people around the fire, close enough that he could feel a bit of the fire's warmth, but not close enough to be in its direct glow. He liked sticking to the shadows, liked controlling how much of himself others could see. He took small sips of the whiskey, enjoying the burn as it slid down his throat. He usually only offered grunts and shrugs in response to his friends when prompted, otherwise staying quiet, but tonight he felt a little more like a part of the group. 

The weed was still heavy on his limbs, and that, combined with the warmth from the whiskey, gave Robbe a bit of a boost, and he slid past the outer ring of people so that he was standing next to Jens, letting the light from the fire dance across his skin. The flames leap and shimmer in brilliant purples, pinks, and blues, and he watches dragons, and fairies and shooting stars leap through the air. He shivers as the fire warms his chilled skin, and he closes his eyes, a dopy grin spreading across his face. 

"Hey, you," a soft voice whispers. Noor stood beside Robbe, finding his hand in the dark, and squeezing gently.   
Robbe squeezes her hand in return, knocking his shoulder against hers gently. 

"Can we talk?" Noor pulls Robbe gently to look at her then leads him away from the fire at his nod. 

He rolls his eyes at Aaron's whistling as he lets Noor lead him back into the house and into her room. 

"Enjoying the party?" Noor asks as she gently closes her bedroom door, joining Robbe who is perched on the edge of her bed. 

"It's chill," he shrugs noncommittally. 

Noor offers him a small smile, before tugging him down on the bed so that they are lying next to each other. She takes his hand, lacing their fingers together. "How was therapy?"

Robbe shrugged again. "Good. The same as last time. I don't know," he frowns slightly at her, "I feel like the greenhouse is a thousand times more therapeutic than therapy."

"Yeah," Noor sighs. 

"So, is that what you wanted to talk about? Therapy? Or are you stalling?" Robbe grins softly at her, nudging her foot with his. 

"No," she grins, nudging him back. "I…well I met someone," she breathes out in a quick huff. 

"Oh yeah? Cheating on your dear boyfriend, are you?" Robbe grins at her.

"Shut up," she giggles. "It's not cheating if it's on your fake boyfriend."

Robbe pulls their connected hands to his chest. "So, who is she?" 

A dopey smile appears on her face. "Her name is Engel. She just transferred into the art department. God, Robbe, she's so pretty it honestly hurts to look at her."

Noor shifts her head onto Robbe's chest, and he brings his arm around her, holding her to him, and pressing a kiss into her hair. 

"That's great, Noor, I'm happy for you." And he is, truly. "So, are you breaking up with me then?" he asks, mock sadness dripping from his voice. 

Noor stays quiet, turning to nestle closer to his body. Robbe lets her take her time, rubbing her back gently. 

"I think I want to come out. I mean, I've been thinking about it for a while now, before I even met Engel, but…I don't know." She exhales sharply against Robbe's chest and he can see a pink blush spreading across her pale cheeks. "She makes me want to be brave," she whispers it into his chest. 

Robbe smiles down at her, his heart squeezing in his chest. "You're the bravest person I know," he whispers into her hair. "Does she know about us?"

"Yeah. She saw us holding hands at that party last Friday, and when she asked about you I just, well I didn't want to lie to her. And I just knew I could trust her, you know?" 

"What did she say?"

"She had had a fake boyfriend in high school, actually, though he didn't really know they were fake, I guess." Noor shrugs. "She said that she understands how scary it is and that it was okay to take my time."

Robbe's stomach twists a bit. "She sounds amazing, Noor." 

"Yeah." She breathes, dopey smile threatening to take over her whole face. "And, well, I kissed her. And told her that I wanted to come out." 

"Wow, so are you guys official then? Are you coming out with a girlfriend?" Robbe quirks his eyebrow and grins at her, squeezing her shoulder.

"I don't know. I mean, I think so. She said she didn't want me to be overwhelmed, but that she really liked me and wanted to spend time together whether I decided to come out or not."  
Robbe smiles, letting his eyes close. They lay together for a while, just breathing together in the dim room. They can hear the party below them, the soft murmuring, and quiet thrum of the music. 

Robbe takes a deep breath, "I want to be brave like you," he says, his quiet voice hanging in the air. 

"You are brave. What you've been through, how hard you work to overcome everything…Robbe, you are amazing. And you could come out too, if you want. I know your friends would support you. Jens does already." Noor looks at him fiercely, as though to will Robbe into believing her words. 

"I don't know. My Mama is still struggling so much, I think it would break her. You know, she never used to be religious. She used to say that religion couldn't explain what magic can." Robbe pauses, closing his eyes again. "I know how much she loves me, and I'm afraid that if I tell her I'm gay she'll give up religion. And it kind of seems like it's the only thing holding her together right now." Robbe can feel hot tears slid down his cheeks. 

Noor doesn't respond. Instead she wipes his tears away, and nestles into his neck, holding him tight. "I love you," she whispers into the crook of his neck. 

"I love you, too." Robbe swallows against the lump in his throat and allows himself to drift into sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More drug use. Accidental self-harm.

Robbe sat cross-legged in front of the little flower pot filled with a Wild Crolia plant. The Wild Crolia's delicate, paper thin leaves shimmered red and gold in the sunny green house, spilling over the sides of the pot. It was a particularly temperamental plant, and Robbe prided himself in how well the Colia was doing. His advanced Herbalism instructor, Professor Wispelwey, had been delighted, though not particularly surprised, when she had come to inspect Robbe's work. 

The plant was almost mature enough to be harvested, and which was good because Zoe had mentioned her store from the last harvest was dwindling quickly. The Wild Crolia wasn't a requirement for any of his classes, but he grew it anyway because Zoe used it in her healing classes, and Robbe wanted to do something nice for her. He knew he wasn't the best roommate, but Zoe treated him like family anyway. 

He checks the moisture of the soil, and sprinkles a few nutrient pellets into the dirt before moving over to the bed of Red Dewberry. He inspects the small, almost jelly-soft berries cradled inside the flower buds. Satisfied with their progress, Robbe moves to the bean bag chair he had dragged into the middle of the greenhouse, and flops down. He puts his headphones on and lets the soft music lull him to sleep. 

The green house is one of the only places that Robbe felt truly comfortable and happy. When he was surrounded by his plants, Robbe felt like the expectations of the world, of his parents, couldn't touch him. Surrounded by things that he had nurtured and cared for, made Robbe feel important and needed. He was one of the only students who was allowed to keep his greenhouse during summer breaks. Wispelwey told Robbe at the end of his freshman year that Robbe was one of the most promising students she had taught in a long time. Robbe had spent almost every day of the summer vacation in his greenhouse. Jens had been back with his family in Antwerp, and while Mojo and Aaron were around, Robbe didn't often feel like hanging out with them without Jens. So, he cared for his plants, and listened to music, and let the warm, earthy scent of the space calm him. He didn't have as much time to spend in his own greenhouse now that school had started. He had lectures in the cold stone classrooms, lectures about plants that he had often already grown over the summer. He also had a lot of general education classes that he had to suffer through. Plus, with Jens back, he couldn't get away with hiding in his greenhouse for days at a time. 

When Robbe woke the sun had begun to set, and he was bathed in purple light. He rubbed his eyes, and checked his phone. He had texts from the boys about some party, and he rolled his eyes before replying that he would go.

He also had a text from Noor, asking to meet up soon. They hadn't really talked since the party last weekend. Robbe loved Noor, and was so happy for her that she felt ready to come out, but he was also envious. He wanted her bravery. And he was scared that people would find out the relationship was fake from the get-go. Jens knew already, of course. Robbe had spilled everything to Jens before the summer break. And Jens was wonderful, promising that he loved Robbe no matter what. But Jens was one person. And he was a person that Robbe knew already would love him unconditionally. 

Jens wasn't the first person he had come out to, though, it was Noor. Robbe and Noor had met at some party, and Robbe, in a drug haze, had decided that he needed to find a girlfriend, because if he had a girlfriend then he couldn't be gay. And Noor was beautiful, and fierce, and everything Robbe thought he would have loved had he been attracted to girls. Robbe had pretended to really date her for a couple weeks, but when she had tried to take things to the next level, Robbe had panicked, and Noor had guessed the rest. She was relieved, anyway. Turns out they both thought they could push the gay away if they tried hard enough. But they had already been acting like a couple with all their friends, and both of them had felt so secure with each other because they were finally not worried about people figuring it out. But, now, Robbe wouldn't have that security. 

He told Noor to come to his flat before the they boys came over for a pre-party. Then he made one last round checking on his plant charges before heading home. He stopped at the store to grab some snacks and by the time he got home, Noor was waiting for him on the front steps.

"Hey," She smiled, pulling him into a hug.

"Hey," Robbe whispered into her hair, hugging her tight. 

Noor grabbed one of his grocery bags and followed him into the apartment. They unloaded everything in the kitchen, then Robbe grabbed a bag of the crackers that Noor loved, and filled too mugs with chocolate oat milk, another one of Noor's favorites. They sat in his room, leaning against the side of the bed.

"How are things going with Engel?" 

"Really good. I asked her to be my girlfriend!" Noor giggles quietly into her mug.

"Yeah? That's great." Robbe takes a gulp of chocolate milk. "So, that means we are officially broken up then?"

"I guess so." Noor sets her mug down and takes Robbe's hand in hers, lacing their fingers together. "This was never really real, but if I was into dick, I think I could fall in love with you." Noor grins, squeezing his hand.

Robbe chuckles, "back at you. Or, well, if I wasn't into dick, that is." 

She giggles, letting her head drop onto Robbe's shoulder. "It's weird, though, right? Like, it was never real, but I still feel sad that it's over, you know?"

"Yeah, I know. But we'll just have to stay friends. I don't think I can bear to lose you to be honest." Robbe stares at the hole in the knee of his jeans. 

"Yeah, agreed." Noor pulls him into a hug, and they hold each other. 

Robbe's eyes fill with tears. He isn't even sure why, but he wipes at them furiously, and holds Noor tighter. They startle apart when the boys bang on Robbe's front door.

"Shit." He lets out a watery chuckle, smiling at Noor.

They look at each other, both smiling with watery eyes. Robbe nods at her, and Noor stands up, casting one last look back at him before going to the front door to let the boys in and let herself out. 

Robbe tries to collect himself the best he can as he brings their mugs back to the kitchen before joining the boys in his room. 

"Can we have some good shit tonight, Robbe?" Mojo asks, falling onto Robbe's bed. 

Robbe shoves him off his bed, then tosses him a bag of purple powder. It's just powdered Laceflower berries, which will give the boys a bit of euphoria, but is generally harmless in small doses. Aaron and Mojo both take some and are giggling within minutes. Jens sits with Robbe on the bed, having turned the Laceflower down.

"What's up with you and Noor? You both seem sad."

Robbe looks at Mojo and Aaron. Satisfied that they are too busy laughing at nothing to listen to him, Robbe turns to Jens, "We broke up. Or, you know, we ended out arrangement."  
"Are you okay, though? I mean, it wasn't real, how come you were both down?"

"I don't know. I mean I really love her. Not in that way, but it's still weird to think about not being so close to her." Robbe pulls his knees to his chest. 

Jens puts his arm around Robbe's shoulders, skootching closer to him. "But, now you could come out, like, find a nice guy and have something real?"

"Yeah." Robbe lets his head fall back, and closes his eyes. "I'm scared," he whispers. 

Jens squeezes his shoulder. "Yeah." 

Robbe tells the boys he'll meet them outside. Once they are gone he grabs a tincture of Blue Fire, letting the gold liquid sit under his tongue. He tucks the bottle back in his sock drawer. It's not something he would ever give to the boys. It was strong, and Robbe only took it when he felt like he needed to be out of his own skin more than anything. He knew it could be dangerous, leading to hallucinations, but it had never gone badly for him before, and he really didn't want to feel afraid tonight.

Robbe and the boys walk together towards the party, arms around each other's shoulders. Robbe lets Jens and Mojo carry some of his weight. He can feel the Blue Fire burning through his veins, leaving a warm emptiness. 

At the party, Robbe finds a spot next to the fire place in the living room. It's another art department party, even more low key than Noor's party had been. He's tucked himself in a nest of pillows on the floor, and he stares into the fire, letting the heat warm his face. The warmth from the fire is the only thing that keeps him from floating fully away from his body. The Blue Fire is coursing through his veins, and his head is filled with nothing but a sloshing of warm waves. They break against the inside of his skull, and sweep away his thoughts before they have time to fully form. He stares into the flames. Someone has bewitched them, and they move in intricate swirls, colors shifting from pale lavender to gold and back again. It's so beautiful and Robbe desperately wishes to leap into the flames, to have his world always warm and dancing in purple and gold. He reaches his hand out to feel the warm air lick his fingers.

He doesn't know how long he's been sitting by the fire, but suddenly he's being shaken.

"Hey! What the hell are you doing?!" 

The words come to him slowly, drifting through the waves in his head. He blinks up a someone, tries to focus on the figure, but he's so warm, and the figure looks like it's made of light, not solid enough to be shaking him so roughly. An angel. 

Then Robbe gasps as the warms in his fingers is replaced by freezing cold, like his hand has been thrust into the ocean. He shudders, trying to move away from the cold, but something holds his arm in a vice grip. 

"Hey! Look at me! What did you take?!" The angel is shaking him again, then grabbing his face roughly, pulling his chin, trying to make Robbe focus on him.

Robbe squints into the light, and makes out white hair and green eyes before his vision goes black. He feels himself being lifted, carried somewhere, and he can hear frantic voices, but they come to him from a distance, and soon he hears nothing at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (☞ຈلຈ)☞


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings:  
> There is more discussion of drugs in this chapter. Also a little discussion of self-harm, and a pretty bad burn.

Robbe's hand feels like it's on fire, like his veins are collapsing, his muscles melting together. He shoots up in bed with a cry, trying to take stock of his hand, but it's wrapped up, hidden from him. 

"Hey, it's okay, Robbe!" It's Noor, she holds his face in her hands, and then she's lifting a glass to his mouth, making him drink the thick, sweet liquid. 

Robbe chokes on the drink, but takes big gulps anyway. The fire in his hand slowly fades to a dull numbness, and he slumps back on the bed. Noor's bed, he realizes. 

"What happened?" Robbe tries to rub the confusion away, but Noor pulls his hand from his face.

"What the hell did you take?" It sounds like a plea.

Robbe swallows, guilt pooling in his stomach.

"Robbe, your hand is really bad. I did what I could with it, but you need to see a healer."

"Please, just let Zoe look at it first." Robbe pleads. He doesn't really understand what is going on, but he knows that the last place he wants to be is in a hospital.

"Fine, but you'll have to tell her what you took." Noor huffs, pulling Robbe up, making his sit.

"We need to get you to her as quick as possible. I'll get Sander to help."

"Who?" Robbe rubs at his eyes again. 

"I told you about him, he's my new roommate? Just transferred?" She sighs heavily at Robbe's noncommittal shrug. "Really Robbe, I thought you were done with this shit! You promised you were getting help." Noor stands and walked out of her bedroom.

Robbe's eyes twinge like they want to release tears, but they are so dry. He rubs at them again. He does his best to stay sitting, not wanting to be more difficult for Noor.   
He's shaking slightly with the effort to stay sitting, and he's covered by a sheen of sweat. He feels someone pulling his injured hand carefully up, wrapping his arm around their shoulders. He lets himself be pulled to his feet.

"Jeez," a deep, quiet voice huffs as Robbe sways dangerously. His legs are like jelly, and his head swims, but the there's a strong arm around his waist, pulling him securely to their body, and he leans into them, and they are so warm, and they smell so good, so Robbe let's himself be dragged from the room.

His vision goes black, and when he comes to, with Zoe sitting by his side examining his hand, Robbe can't remember how he got there. He feels much more clear-headed, but his hand is throbbing. He turns his head to look at it, and his stomach churns as he takes in the swollen and blistered skin covering his fingers and palm. 

"Don't look at it," Zoe says sternly, though not unkindly. 

He turns to look at the wall. He can feel Zoe rubbing something over his mottled skin, and then wrapping it in cloth. 

"Want to tell me what the hell happened? How did you let the fire burn you this badly?" She asks as she places his hand on the bed.

"Dunno." Robbe clears his throat, trying to remember. 

"Well what did you take?"

"Blue Fire." He whispers it to the wall, hoping Zoe won't hear him.

She does of course. "Robbe! What the fuck were you thinking? You know how fucking dangerous it is!"

Robbe blinks tears away, "I know," he whispers. "I don't know why I took it."

"Well where is it?" 

"Dresser." Robbe feels Zoe move from his bed, and hears his dresser drawers sliding open and closed as she searches. She must find it, because she sits back down by his side.

"I'm throwing this away."

Robbe nods. "Who brought me here?" He asks, thinking of the blond hair and green eyes and warm light he thinks might have been a dream.

"Noor, and her new roommate, Sander, I think." 

Robbe nods again, and Zoe sighs before getting up. 

"Get some sleep, Robbe, you need it."

Robbe let's sleep pull him under, thinking of a creature made of light, cradling his face.

When Robbe wakes again it's early morning, and dull light shines through his window. He sees Jens curled up in the armchair in the corner of his room, and the guilt that had settled in his stomach since the party twists and churns. Jens had been by his side when he had overdosed last year, and Robbe had promised himself he wouldn't put Jens through that again. But he had let Jens down. Again.

Robbe sits up and pulls his hand into his lap. He carefully unwraps it, and inspects the skin. It pink and shiny, but clearly healing quickly thanks to Zoe's careful ministrations. He stretches his fingers out, and though the skin feels tight, it's no longer painful.

He's sitting in the kitchen with a mug of tea when Zoe wakes up. She makes herself coffee before joining him at the table. 

"How are you feeling?" She asks, pushing the fruit bowl towards Robbe.

He grabs a pear, inspecting its flesh, "Like an ass." He grins sheepishly at her.

"You scared the shit out of us, that's for sure." She smiles back at him. "I thought things had been getting better?"

Robbe shrugs, "they were, I guess. Still are. I didn't mean to take as much as I did, I guess I thought I was just using a drop or two." He hurries on before Zoe can reply, "I know I shouldn't have taken it at all, but I just wanted a night where I didn't have to think, I guess."

"Well, I got rid of the bottle. Do you have access to more?" 

"No, I made that tincture over the summer, I don't have the plant anymore though."

"Okay." Zoe smiles at him, reassuringly, grabbing a pear for herself. "You should eat, the balm I used on your hand is good, but you have to take care of your body to fully heal."   
They sit in silence, eating. Robbe is relieved that Zoe seems to trust that it was a one-off. But at the same time, his guilty mind wishes she would just yell at him, he certainly deserves it.

"So that guy with Noor last night, he was cute," Zoe says, quirking an eyebrow.

"Huh?" Robbe concentrates on swallowing his bite of pear.

"He seemed really concerned." She shrugs, her mouth quirking up at the corners.

"Okay?" Robbe shrugs back, "I don't know who he is."

"You called him your angel." 

"What?" Robbe thinks back to the night, unable to remember anything after the angel had appeared to him. 

"When they brought you here last night you were freaking out, asking for your angel. We didn't know what the hell you were talking about, and Sander had to sort of hold you down because you were going to make your hand worse," Zoe pauses, her gaze piercing through Robbe, "When you saw his face you calmed right down, and said 'my angel' before passing out." Zoe watches Robbe's face for his reaction.

Robbe feels his cheeks pool with embarrassment, and he stares at a dark knot in the wood of the table. He doesn't remember that, and he prays he will never have to see Sander sober. He can't reconcile his angel with Sander in his brain.

"So, what's up with you and Noor?" Zoe asks, smirking at Robbe's confused face.

Robbe feels like he has whiplash, and he forces his brain to move away from the angel, from Sander, and focus on Zoe's question. "We broke up, I guess?" 

"Hmm." Zoe stands up, placing her mug in the sink and walks out of the kitchen. 

Robbe sits, confused, and a little irritated. What is she playing at? Does she know about me? He's still stewing when Jens bumbles into the kitchen. 

He stands in front of the coffee maker, as he stretches his neck and back, "damn, that chair is not comfortable to sleep in."

Robbe pulls himself from his thoughts of Zoe and focuses on Jens. He has dark circles under his eyes, and worry clouds his face.  
Robbe stands and moves over to him, pulling him into a tight hug. "I'm sorry," he mumbles into his chest.

"Did you do in on purpose? Burn yourself?"

"No. I promise, Jens."

Jen's arms wrap tightly around Robbe's back, pulling him closer, "Are you okay?"

Robbe pulls away, lifting his hand up for Jens to see, "healing up nicely. Zoe is a miracle worker." 

"That's not what I meant," Jens' voice is gentle and his gaze probes Robbe's face, "This isn't about Noor, is it?"

"No. I mean, not really. I was hiding with Noor for so long, and I guess now I just feel out of control." Robbe closes his eyes, trying to form the words to explain. "I guess I feel like I don't have an excuse not to come out now. I used to think that Noor was just as dependent on me for protection as I was on her? Like, I was pretending that I was doing it for her, but now that it's over I feel more terrified than ever." Robbe's eyes twinge in desperation, trying to form tears, but they are so raw, and he's too dehydrated, so he shrugs helplessly at Jens.

"But what are you really afraid of? People not accepting you?"

"I think it would kill my mom. And as much as she has hurt me, she's all I have." A dry sob works its way out of his throat.

Jens takes Robbe's hands in his, "She isn't. You have me. You have Zoe and Noor. Milan. I know Mojo and Aaron can be total fucking idiots, but they love you." Jens grins half-heartedly at Robbe. "And it wouldn't kill her. I promise. I know she's like, super religious and shit, but that doesn't mean that she is homophobic, necessarily. And at some point, you are going to have to live your life for yourself." Jens pulls Robbe face up so that he has no choice but to look at him, "life is now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! 
> 
> I'm sorry for any typos! Trying my best to catch them.
> 
> You can come talk to me on tumblr, if you have any suggestions or want to yell at me or whatever. Or if you want to freak out about all the new instagram posts with me https://sotefaen.tumblr.com/


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some discussion of self-harm and drugs

Robbe sits in the waiting room outside his therapist's office. He stretches his legs out in front of him, and tips his head back against the wall. The fluorescent lights make his eyes ache, and he screws them up. He has his headphones in, drowning out the hum of the lightbulb above his head. He's thinking about his angel. Or Sander. He isn't sure, but he can't get those green eyes out of his head. He hooks his index finger around his angel charm, sliding it up and down the chain, pressing against his throat.   
He startles at a soft touch to his arm, and opens his eyes to see the receptionist. He pulls his headphones out. "Sorry!" He stands and follows her out of the waiting room and down the long hall towards his therapist's office. 

Robbe is about to step into the room when he locks eyes with the most beautiful boy he's ever seen. The boy is walking back towards Robbe, heading back to the waiting room. His hair is bleach blonde, and his soft green eyes are locked on Robbe's.

Robbe's breath catches in his throat. Is that my angel? Is it Sander? The boy doesn't give any indication that he recognizes Robbe, but he keeps his eyes locked on Robbe until he walks past. Robbe stands frozen for a split second before turning and walking into the room.

…

"Did you want to hurt yourself?" Robbe's therapist peers at him over her glasses.

"No. It's not like it used to be. I don't think about that anymore. I just wanted to escape for the night. I don't really remember what happened, except that I just wanted the warmth of the fire. It didn't hurt at all." 

"Well, I think you have come a long way in the past year. And I don't think you are a danger to yourself anymore, unless you think you are?"

"No. I don't have any more Blue Fire, and I'm not going to seek it out. And I don't want to hurt myself." Robbe's earnest voice rings out in the small room. 

"Okay, then I recommend we continue with weekly sessions, and I think you should attend group therapy for addiction. Go this week, and we'll talk about it next session, see if it's something to continue with."

…

After his session Robbe walks to the bus stop to go home. The sun is shining, warming his skin despite the chill in the air, and he can't help the smile fighting to emerge. Robbe didn't always feel better after a session, sometimes things would feel heavier after, but today he felt like nothing could touch him. 

He was early for the bus, so he plopped down on the bench to wait, not bothering to look at the person already sitting there. 

"Hey, Robbe, right?" 

Robbe turns forcing his gasp back down as he locks eyes with the boy from the hall. "Um…yep," he offers lamely, voice barely above a whisper.

The boy sticks his hand out, "Sander."

Robbe reaches his hand out to shake Sander's. Sander. Angel. But as he is about to put his hand in Sander's, the boy's mouth falls into a grim line. He's staring at Robbe's hurt hand. 

Robbe looks down too. His skin was really only tinged pink by now, Zoe had made sure he was diligent with her balm. It looked more wind burned than anything, though his fingertips were still pretty red. He moves to pull it back, but Sander grabs it before he can, shaking it briefly, his face now politely blank. Robbe can't think of anything to say, especially because his skin is now tingling from Sander's touch.

"Sorry." Sander murmurs, not looking at Robbe.

Robbe shrugs, pulling the sleeves of his hoodie over his hands. 

"I was just worried about you." Sander stands to board the bus that has pulled up.

Robbe's cheeks flush and he stumbles a bit as he follows Sander onto the bus. They stand facing each other, but both looking down. Robbe keeps his burned hand stuffed in his pocket, grasping the metal handle above his head fiercely, knuckles white. He stares down at his feet, only inches away from Sander's. When the bus slams to a halt at his stop Robbe pitches forward, almost losing his balance, Sander's sudden grip on his upper arm the only thing keeping him upright. He can feel how red his cheeks are as he stares up at Sander dumbly. Sander's hand squeezes his arm and he opens his mouth to say something, but Robbe panics, pulling himself out of Sander's grip, and dashing out of the bus.

His heart races as he runs the block down to his apartment and it doesn't stop, even after he has flung himself onto his bed, his face smooshed into his pillow. He can still feel the heat of Sander's hand around his arm, and he mentally kicks himself for being such a disaster. Sander. Angel. God, he must think I'm such a loser. He groans, and kicks his bed, before huffing and turning onto his back. As stupid as he feels, he can't help the warm feeling that pools in his belly when he thinks of how big Sander's hand had been around his own hand, around his arm. 

…

On Wednesday, Robbe makes his way to his first group session. He's a bit nervous, not really knowing what to expect, and he hopes he won't have to talk in front of the group. It turns out to not be so bad, and he likes the group leader. He still ducks out as soon as possible, opting not to stay and chat afterwards to the other attendees. But at least he can report a positive session to Zoe, who has been acting extra motherly ever since his accident. He doesn't blame her, but he's getting a bit tired of her hovering.

They had planned on meeting at Robbe's greenhouse, and he tries to hurry, not wanting her to have to wait for him. She's already sitting in front of the greenhouse when he gets there, though. She stands up smiling, and follows him inside. They toss their bags down next to the door, and both collapse onto the big bean chair. 

"God, I'm tired," Robbe grumbles, resting his head on Zoe's shoulder. 

"Still not sleeping?"

Robbe shrugs, "Not really. Smoking helps some."

Zoe tucks her arm behind Robbe, pulling him closer. "How was group? Good?"

"Yeah, kind of overwhelming. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one with problems though, you know?"

"Yeah." Zoe squeezes his shoulder. "Hey, I got a perfect mark on my bone mending broth! My prof said that the quality of the Wintercress I used made it even stronger. So, thank you."

Robbe grins into her shoulder, "That's awesome!"

"Well, when I open my own practice I'm gonna have to hire you as my herbalist. Nothing but the best for my patients." 

"Okay, but I'm warning you, I'm expensive!" They both giggle.

"Zoe?" Robbe swallows, preparing himself.

"Yeah?"

"I'm gay." He holds his breath, staring a hole into the knee of his jeans. 

Zoe smiles, pressing a kiss into his hair. "I'm proud of you."

"Did you know?" Does everyone know? Have I been obvious?

"Not for sure, I had a feeling though. And then with Sander that night…Is that why you and Noor broke up?"

"What, because of Sander?" Robbe looks up with confusion. Zoe shrugs.

"No, I only met Sander that night, I told you that."

"I know you said that, but I figured maybe you just didn't want me to know or something." 

"Oh, no. We did broke up because I'm gay, though." He doesn't tell Zoe that it was all fake, or that Noor is gay too.

"He is cute though, don't you think?" Zoe quirks an eyebrow.

"Well, duh, he's beautiful." Robbe rolls his eyes, and giggles when Zoe does. 

"Have you seen him since?"

Robbe's smile falls. "Yeah, kinda. We ran into each other at my therapist's office, and then at the bus stop outside. It was weird. Pretty sure he thinks I'm a freak." 

"Hmm." Zoe leans her head back, letting the sunlight streaming through the glass ceiling warm her face. "I don't know about that. He asked about you today. I ran into him in the dining hall."

Robbe flushes, and curses the traitorous warmth in his chest that threatens to turn into hope. "Hmm," he manages to squeak out, not trusting himself to speak.

Robbe lets his face fall back too, and they sit quietly, inhaling the warm scent of earth, and fragrant flower. Robbe nods off, and Zoe stays still, cradling his head, letting him get some much-needed sleep.

When he wakes the light has shifted from butter yellow to lavender, and he shivers at the loss of the warm sun. 

Robbe rubs at his eyes, "Thanks, Zoe, I needed that."

Zoe smiles at him, stretches, and stands slowly. "Come on, Senne texted that he made dinner."

Robbe quickly checks the moisture levels in the air, and turns on the solar heaters he had installed, then follows Zoe out of the greenhouse.  
…

Robbe and Zoe join Senne and Milan at the kitchen table, and Robbe tucks into his plate of rice and curried vegetables ferociously. He had a bad habit of forgetting to eat sometimes, but he was working on it. And Senne's skills in the kitchen certainly didn't hurt.

"This is so good, holy shit!" He says around a giant mouthful.

Senne laughs, and Zoe places her hand over his. Robbe loves these moments, loves seeing how soft and caring Zoe and Senne are together. It makes his heart clench, though, and he can't help thinking about Sander's hand around his, but he quickly shakes the image from his head, focusing on his food.

After helping his roommates clean up dinner, Robbe sits on his bed, trying to study for his herbalism exam on Friday. He needs to be able to recognize a large list of fungi, and be able to list where they are grown, and what they are used for. He studied most of them on his own over the summer though, and is mostly going through the motions, trying to distract himself. After the third time through his flashcards without stumbling on the answers once, Robbe tosses them onto his desk and flops back onto his bed.

He grabs his phone, and sees a couple texts from Noor:

Noor x Robbe

Noor: hey, want to come over friday? i'm having a little movie night, just my roommates and a couple of friends

Noor: and Engel.

Robbe sits up, his heart rate picking up. Does that mean Sander will be there? He isn't sure if that makes him want to go more or less. On the one hand, getting to see Sander makes Robbe feel like he is floating, but on the other, both of his interactions with the boy have been complete disasters. In the end, Robbe decides that he can't possibly embarrass himself more than he already has, plus he misses Noor, and wants to meet Engel.

Noor x Robbe

Robbe: what time?  
Noor: around 7  
Noor: come early though? i miss you :)  
Robbe: ok  
Robbe: should i bring anything?  
Noor: if you have extra weed i wouldn't complain  
Robbe: :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's movie night woooo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry for any typos or writing inconsistencies thanks for reading

On Friday, Robbe wakes after far too little sleep, his head aching. He contemplates skipping his classes to sleep, but then remembers he has an exam. Grumbling to himself, he makes his way to the kitchen and fixes himself tea, into which he mixes a drop of Milfoil extract. The Milfoil makes the tea sweet, and eases his aching head. It does nothing for his exhaustion, however. 

Robbe is the first to finish his exam, and after handing it to his teacher, he heads to the dining hall to meet Jens for lunch. He slumps onto the bench beside his friend, and lets his aching head drop onto his arms over the table. The Milfoil had worn off, and he curses himself for not bring extra with him. 

Jens rubs his shoulder gently, and pushes a glass of water towards him. Robbe gulps it down, and gives an appreciative head nod to Jens.  
"Didn't sleep?" Jens is now pushing half of his sandwich over to Robbe, who eyes it warily.

"I tried, kept walking up." Robbe takes a small bite of the sandwich, chewing gingerly.

"Bad dreams?" 

Robbe nods, taking another bite. The food actually seems to be helping, and he grabs a couple pieces of apple from Jens' container. Jens pushes the apples closer to Robbe.

"Don't you have anything to block dreams?"

"No. I'll look into it." Robbe doesn't really want to block his dreams though. Not the good ones anyway. The nightmares were bad, mostly dark, swirling shapes that pierced his skin, and robbed him of breath. He often woke clutching his throat, shaking, gasping for air. But in-between those nightmares were good dreams. His mother reading to him as a little boy; his mother making his bath water glow and twist into different shapes; his mother guiding his hands in their garden, teaching how to test the soil, to banish the naughty sprites, to tell when plants were ready for harvest. He couldn't chance those dreams, those memories, being banished with the nightmares. He had also been having another good dream lately; a bright, warm light, a halo of icy white hair, soft, seafoam green eyes. No, he didn't want to give that dream up either.   
Aaron and Mojo join them then, and the talk turns to parties and girls. Typical. Robbe tunes them out then, instead focusing on his, or Jens', sandwich, trying not to think too much about seeing Sander at Noor's later. 

"Robbe!" Aaron shakes him from his thoughts.

"Huh? Sorry…" Robbe swallows his bite and tries to focus on what Aaron is saying.

"You in? Party at Thomas'? Lots of hot dancer chicks!" 

Jens rolls his eyes at Robbe, and he grins back. "Can't, going to Noor's."

"But you broke up!" Robbe stifles a giggle at Aaron's indignant expression.

"Yeah, but we're still friends. I would invite you guys, but it's just us, her roommates, and a couple of her friends." 

"Whatever," Aaron turns and he and Mojo go back to discussing the 'dancer chicks.'

"Sander going to be there?" Jens asks, just loud enough for Robbe to hear.

Robbe shrugs, a light blush spreading over his cheeks. Jens bumps his shoulder against Robbe's and smiles, going back to his own food. Robbe, grateful not to have to explain anything to Jens, goes back to his own thoughts. 

…

Robbe stops by his flat to drop his school things off before heading to Noor's. He swaps out his green hoodie for a light pink crewneck that said "Good Chives Only" with little bundle of embroidered chives. It was the sweatshirt that Jens had said made his brown eyes pop, and maybe he wanted Sander to see him in it. God, he probably doesn't even like boys, Robbe thought, almost changing out of it, but then decided that overthinking it was more pathetic than anything and kept it on.

He grabbed his weed stash and said goodbye to Zoe and Senne who were cuddled up on the couch, and walked the few blocks to Noor's house.

Robbe and Noor were laying side by side on her bed, passing a joint back and forth. Robbe listened to Noor gush about Engel, who she was now officially official with. He listened to her gush about being in love, about being happy. He tried his best to be happy for her, to not be jealous of her. He let her hold his hand, and fill the room with Engel. Then they passed the joint back and forth in silence, and Robbe squeezed her hand in his.   
"I told Zoe about me. Not you though, I wasn't sure if you would want that."   
"I'm proud of you. And thank you. You can tell people, if it comes up."

The sun went down and the room was dark before Noor's friends arrived. They gathered in the living room, sprawling over the couch, wedged together. Robbe sat on the floor, leaning his head against Noor's legs behind him. He introduced himself to Engel, whom he thought absolutely adorable, and he smiled when he noticed her and Noor's fingers tangled together. 

They were watching some scary movie that Noor's friend had brought, and Robbe hated it, doing his best to breathe evenly and not jump out of his skin from fright. Sander wasn't there, not yet at least, and Robbe was seriously considering ducking out early and trying to get some sleep. He made it through twenty minutes before excusing himself to grab a drink. 

Robbe fills a glass with water from the tap, and hoists himself onto the counter. He takes slow sips, calculating how much time he had left to hide in the kitchen before Noor came to find him. He rolls a joint, and takes a drag, letting his head rest on the cabinets behind him. He didn't need any more weed, he was still high from earlier, but the routine of it helped calm him. 

"Mind sharing?"

Robbe opened his weed-heavy eyes slowly, to find Sander leaning against the counter across from him. He looked ethereal in the soft moonlight streaming through the kitchen window, and Robbe knew the image would be imprinted in his brain forever. He held the joint out wordlessly, and swallowed a gasp when Sander's fingers brushed against his. He watched Sander bring the joint to his mouth, and take a slow drag. He watched Sander tip his head back, the tendons in his neck stretching as he exhaled, his Adams apple bobbing. Robbe wanted to kiss his neck, to run his lips over his throat, mouth at his Adams apple. He tore his eyes away, taking a big gulp of his water.

"Cute shirt." 

"Oh…thanks." Robbe could feel the blush dusting his cheeks as Sander gazed at him.

"Sorry about before. At the bus stop… I know I was weird." Sander offered the joint back to Robbe, who shook his head.

"No, it's fine, I get it." Robbe shrugged, focusing on his glass of water.

"What do you get?"

"It's embarrassing, what I did that night…" Robbe's face was burning, his leg bouncing.

"What? It's not. That isn't why I was being weird." Sander moved closer, close enough that Robbe could have reached out and touched his bleached blond hair. Instead, Robbe stared at his hands clasped around his glass, unable to hold Sander's intense gaze.

Sander sighs heavily. "Fuck. I was waiting for you to see how you were doing, and all I did was make you feel worse." He dips his head, trying to catch Robbe's eyes. "I'm sorry, I just hated seeing you like that, and seeing your hand just made me remember what it had looked like that night. I guess I freaked out a little bit. I'm really sorry, Robbe, if I made you feel ashamed about what happened." 

"You were waiting for me?" Robbe looked up, finally, meeting Sander's eyes.

Sander smirked, "that's all you got out of that?" Robbe blushes harder, huffing out a small laugh. Sander's smile turns soft, and he places a gentle hand on Robbe's knee. "Yeah, I was waiting for the boy who called me his angel." 

Robbe's breath hitches. He stares at Sander, unable to speak, or move, or think. Sander's hand was burning through the fabric over his knee, and his soft green eyes were burning into his own. He took a shaky breath, trying to think of something to say.

"Robbe, there you are!" Noor said, walking into the kitchen. Robbe, startled, tears his eyes away from Sander, who stepped back to lean against the counter again. Robbe could feel the ghost of his touch on his knee, and a part of him expected to be able to see an imprint there later. "Hey, Sander," she greeted her roommate with soft touch to the arm, then moved closer to Robbe, "are you guys gonna come watch? We can put a different movie, on, if you don't like horror." 

"Um…" Robbe glances at Sander to find the boy already looking at him.

"I'm in. Robbe?" Sander says, cocking his eyebrow at Robbe.

"Uh, yeah, okay. The movie is fine." 

He follows Noor back to the living room, and resumes his spot on the floor. Sander sits down beside him, almost touching. Robbe tries his best to follow the rest of the movie, but he can feel heat radiating from the other boy's body, and he wants so badly to reach out and touch him. He tucks his hands under his legs, and forces himself to take in the scenes on the screen. It works, for the most part, and when the murderer jumps out from behind the tree he visibly jumps. Sander chuckles and places his hand on his shoulder, gently. Robbe does his best to not melt into his touch, but he can't help leaning into it just a little. Too soon, Sander moves his hand back, and Robbe mourns the loss. But then Sander moves so that he is sitting cross-legged, and his knee presses into Robbe's thigh. Robbe hardly dares to breathe, and needless to say, he doesn't catch any more of the movie. 

When it's over, everyone gets up to stretch and refill on snacks and drinks. Robbe finds himself in the kitchen again, with Noor and Engel, while everyone else fights over what movie to watch next in the other room. 

"You two make a really nice couple, I'm glad Noor has you." He smiles at Engel, and squeezes Noor's shoulder. 

"Thanks," Engel smiles dopily up at Noor, who gazes back, and they seem to get lost in each other's eyes.

Robbe chuckles, "Okay, you guys are disgustingly cute."

They giggle, looking away from each other. "I'm going to go see if they picked a movie yet," Engel says before kissing Noor on the cheek and heading back into the living room. 

Robbe smirks, raising his eyebrows, and nudging Noor with his shoulder. "Seriously, gross." He giggles at Noor's flushed cheeks, and returns her radiant smile.

"You and Sander seemed cozy earlier, was I interrupting something?" Noor gives him a knowing look, and it's Robbe's turn to blush, and he looks frantically at the entrance to the kitchen to make sure no one is close enough to hear. 

"Um, I don't really know what that was. We ran into each other the other day before my therapy, and he waited for me at the bus stop, but it was weird." He shrugs, "he said he didn't like seeing what happened to me that night…you know…" He trails off, gazing at the moon through the window. He can't help picturing Sander's face bathed in moonlight, features soft, eyes shining. 

"He told me about it, he felt really bad. He was so worried when you left without saying anything. He was very insistent that I invite you tonight, not that I wouldn't have anyway." Noor grins at Robbe. "He's a really great guy. He's been through a lot though, so I could see how it would have been hard to see you like that."

"Oh." Robbe's stomach twists in guilt. 

"Don't worry about it, he's just been there before, so it was probably hard for him to be back there." She wraps an arm around Robbe's shoulders, and he leans against her. "Come on, let's get back in there." 

Noor drags Robbe by the hand. The others are still standing around chatting, so Noor pulls Robbe onto the couch beside her, and Engel sits down next to Noor. Someone puts a movie in, and the rest of the group moves to find seats. Robbe finds himself wedged between Noor and Sander. Robbe holds his breath, terrified to show how flustered he is. Sander's thigh is pressed against his, their arms touching, and Robbe feels hot, his body burning from the inside out. The movie is a comedy, and Robbe can feel Sander shaking from laughter against him, making him tremble. He pulls his bottom lip into his mouth, leaning against Noor so that he doesn't lean into Sander. 

By the time the movie ends, Robbe is so stiff and sore he doesn't think he'll be able to stand up. He can feel Sander's eyes on him, and his blush spreads down his neck and chest. He glances at Sander, who grins at him. Robbe looks away before he combusts. Most of the other guests have made their way to the door, slipping shoes and coats on. Robbe peels himself up from the couch, already missing Sander's heated body against his. He hugs Noor and Engel and is about to walk out the door when Sander steps up to him, leather jacket and shoes on.

"Walk you home?" 

Robbe blushes, predictably, and nods before he can think about it. It's cool, the late October wind snakes its way through Robbe's jacket, tickling down his neck, making him shiver.

They walk in silence for the first block, and Robbe scrambles to think of something to say. He lands on "tonight was fun," and cringes a little at how stiff he sounds. 

"It was. Did you like the movies? I couldn't tell," Sander asks, turning his body to look at Robbe, walking sideways. 

"They were cool, I was a bit distracted, I guess?" He shrugs.

"If you ever want to talk, I'm here. I mean, I know you don't know me very well, but I'm a good listener." Sander smiles then, and it lights his whole face up. Robbe has never seen something more beautiful than this boy smiling in the moonlight.

"Th-thanks. I'll keep that in mind." He tries to return Sander's smile, but he's feeling a little week in the knees and it comes out as more of a simper. If Sander noticed he didn't say anything though. "This is me," Robbe says, coming to a stop in front of his building. 

"Yeah, I remember"

"Right" Robbe's stomach twists with embarrassment at the memory, or lack there-of, from that night. "Well, thanks for walking me home." He's half turned away from Sander, feeling unsure of himself. 

Sander steps closer, speaking lowly, "what kind of an angel would I be if I didn't make sure you got home safe?" He flashes Robbe an entirely unholy smile that has Robbe flushed again. He wonders if his blush is going to become permanent. "See you later, Robbe." 

Robbe nods. He fumbles with his key, his hands shaking, and lets himself into his apartment. He goes straight to his room and collapses, fully clothed, onto his bed. He's still shaking. He's trying to convince himself that Sander had not been flirting. Because that beautiful angel of a boy wouldn't be flirting with him, right? Robbe decides that he wasn't flirting. No, not flirting, he was just friendly, just liked to tease. And even if he was, Robbe couldn't bear the idea of putting Sander through his own emotional damage. He gets ready for bed, definitively not thinking of Sander. But his dreams are hard to control, and as he slips into an exhausted sleep, his angel visits him, trailing its fingers over his eyelids.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some cute stuff, and some hard stuff. 
> 
> Beware of light smut. I've updated the tags.

Robbe wakes up to the sun streaming in through his window. He panics, grabbing his phone to check the time, before realizing that it's Saturday and he has nowhere to be anyway, so he smooshes his face back into his pillow, pulling his covers up over his head. The warm sun is heavy on his limbs, and he's floating in between sleep and awake, thick thoughts swirling like syrup through his mind; Noor's soft touches on his arms, Zoe's kind eyes examining him, Milan's steadfast voice, and Jen's warmth. These syrupy sweet thoughts bubble up, thickening, reforming, and then it's all Sander. Sander's soft gaze, husky voice, his warm hands, his devilish smile. Robbe's too warm now, too hot from the heavy duvet, and the bright sun, and the intensity of Sander. He pulls himself from sleep, kicking at the covers until he's free, laying now in just his boxers, skin bright with a sheen of sweat. He lets his mind return to Sander, to the feel of Sander's thigh pressed against his on the couch, his hand on his knee in the kitchen, his confident smirk. The heat is now pooling in his stomach, and Robbe touches his thigh, his knee, imagining that it's Sander's touch on his feverish skin. His hand moves to the band of his boxers, slipping underneath. He palms at himself, taking himself in his hand, moving with quickening desperation. He isn't thinking about what he's doing, no, if he was he would have stopped himself. But his sleep heavy brain can't form any more thoughts; all he sees is Sander, all he feels is growing heat, a burning ache, building and coiling, ready to burst. He can almost feel Sander's hot breath on his neck, his larger frame pinning him to the bed. He moans at the thought, can feel how close he is to the ledge, and his thoughts return to Sander's green eyes, burning him with their intensity. He trembles as the heat overflows, and he muffles his whimpers with his hand. As he descends from his high, his pleasure morphs into guilt as he remembers his promise to himself, that he wouldn't put Sander through his own trauma, he would protect Sander from himself. 

"Fuck," he mutters as he cleans himself up before heading to the bathroom to shower. He tosses his boxers, stiffening with the evidence of his shame, onto the bathroom floor and steps into the hot stream of the shower. He lets the hot water cleanse him, wash away his guilt. He'll stay away from Sander as much as he can, and keep things purely platonic. He doesn't even really think it will be an issue, because how could the beautiful Sander want anything from him anyway? Skin pinked and raw from the heat, and with fresh determination in his mind, Robbe turns the water off, wraps a towel around his waist, and gingerly carries his boxers back to his room, shoving them into his hamper and out of sight. 

He packs up his herbalism textbooks and heads to his greenhouse to get as much work done as he can, determined to keep his mind away from a certain bleached blond boy. His flat is only a fifteen-minute walk from campus, so he skips the bus, soaking in the unseasonable warmth of the mid October day. He's started to sweat by the time he reaches campus. His back is hot underneath the press of his backpack, and his hair is curling on the nape of his neck. He still has to walk to the other side of campus to get to his greenhouse, but he's too hot, and so he pauses in front of the art building, dropping his backpack by his feet, and pulling his sweatshirt over his head. When his head reemerges, he locks eyes with Sander, who stands starring at him. Robbe's shirt had been pulled up with his hoodie, and stayed stuck to his sweaty skin. Sander's eyes are trained on the visible skin of Robbe's belly, and Robbe swallows thickly, still holding his sweatshirt above his head, unable to move. He sees the soft flush of Sander's cheeks, notes the slight part of his lips, and Robbe wants so badly to trace his lips with his finger. He flushes under Sander's attention, and pushes the memory of what he had done that morning out of his head before the tightening of his jeans become visible. He swallows again, and lets his hands fall, the lump of his hoodie covering his stomach. Sander's gaze shifts up to Robbe's, his flush darkening and Robbe feels like his heart will burst at Sander's expression; halfway between dazed and embarrassed at having been caught looking. 

"Hey," Sander says, finally, and his husky, affected voice has Robbe's stomach clenching. 

Robbe adjusts his shirt and runs a hand through his hair before replying, "hey." And despite the promises he made mere hours earlier, Robbe cannot keep the grin from spreading across his face, or control how husky and affected his own voice sounds.

Sander seems to snap out of his daze at the sound of Robbe's voice, and he grins back, eyes glinting in the sun. "I was just about to ask Noor for your number, I could use your help with one of my projects." Sander tips his head to the side, bright smile still adorning his face.

"Oh, um, my number? Yeah, um…" Robbe's sort of feels like he's going to be sick with from the violent butterflies trying to eat their way out of his stomach. He takes Sander's phone from his outstretched hand, careful not to touch him. He stares down at the screen, unable to remember what his number is, or what a number is for, or what phones are. He closes his eyes, willing his brain to start working again. He manages to type his number in, and hands the phone back to Sander. Sander smiles at Robbe and types into his phone then slips it back into his pocket.

"There, now you have mine too," Sander says, as Robbe feels his own phone vibrate in his pocket. "Where are you headed?"

"I'm just going to the greenhouse to check on everything and maybe do some studying." Robbe takes a deep breath thankful that his voice sounded steady. 

"Cool, could you use some company? Maybe you could help me with my project?" 

Vaguely Robbe thinks that saying yes would be a bad idea, but he can't remember why, so he just nods, picks up his backpack and gestures towards the greenhouses. Sander falls into step beside him, and they walk together in silence. Robbe's greenhouse is at the very end of the rows of conservatories, and while the silence is anything but uncomfortable, he desperately wants to be there already, to have something to do with his hands, something to occupy his mind besides how close Sander is walking beside him. 

They reach the door, and Robbe leads Sander in, suddenly nervous about having him in his favorite place. He puts his backpack down and stands to the side, watching Sander take the room in. Sander walks past the flower beds, reading Robbe's hand written labels. He inspects the larger shrubs that sit in pots on the far side. He examines the fungus that Robbe grows using light, temperature, and moisture controlling charms. He takes in Robbe's work bench, the bags of earth stuffed underneath, the tools spread over the top. Finally, he moves to the corner where Robbe has made a little nest. The big bean chair sits on top of a big fluffy piece of fabric that Noor had given him from the art department. Against the wall Robbe had stacked his favorite books about plants and his notebooks filled with notes and diagrams on different flowers and fungi. There's a blanket lying next to the bean bag, and a small basket filled with snacks. Sander turns to Robbe, smiling at him, and Robbe feels himself relax. 

"I love it in here," Sander says, looking so fond and sincere that Robbe has to look away, conscious of his pink cheeks. 

"Thanks," he looks back at Sander, who's looking around the room again, with something like wonder in his eyes. "I'm just gonna…," he gestures to the flowers, and Sander seems to understand, as he nods and moves over to the chair.

"Can I?" he asks, pulling his leather jacket off, before collapsing on the chair at Robbe's nod. Sander pulls out a notebook and pencil case from his bag, and begins working himself. 

Robbe lets himself look for a moment. He likes how Sander looks here; so at home in Robbe's space, and he smiles to himself as he starts his work at the flower beds. He makes a few adjustments, trims and prunes, but soon finds himself with nothing to do. He plops down on the ground beside Sander, leaning against the wall. He balls up the blanket and stuffs it behind his back. 

"There's room up here, if you want," Sander says, quietly, his pencil stilling on the page.

Robbe shrugs. "I'm okay here." He grabs a bag of chips and his textbook, Toadstools of the Mediterranean, and pulls his knees up to prop the book open. He opens his chips and starts to eat, doing his best to concentrate on the book. Thankfully the subject is interesting enough to capture Robbe's full attention, and he manages to get all of his reading and meticulous notes done. They've been sitting together for so long that the sky has darkened, and Robbe has had to light the lanterns. He loves the greenhouse like this; warm and cozy in the soft light of the lanterns, the Solar Limoniums glowing blue, and swaying on their tall stalks. He glances up at Sander, examining his face. His dark brows are pulled together in concentration, and Robbe wants to push his finger between them, smoothing the wrinkle. He looks at Sander's mouth, watches him pull his plump lower lip between his teeth, and Robbe bites his own in response. He's terrified at how much this boy affects him. He doesn't even know him, and yet he fits right into Robbe's life like he was made to. Sitting quietly together is both the most terrifying and natural thing Robbe has ever experienced. But what if he slips up again? He thinks about the pain in Sander's eyes when he had looked at his hand. As positive as Robbe feels about his recovery now, he knows that it isn't linear, that he's likely to slip into old habits at some point. He can't put Sander through that, but he already feels like his heart is breaking at the thought of never seeing Sander again, never speaking to him again, never touching him. He forces himself to look away from Sander's face, and looks instead at the drawing in his lap. It's a drawing of a boy. Soft, gestural strokes make up the face, hair curling at the ends, big, kind eyes filled with light. Splashes of gold and brown surround the figure. Robbe thinks that it sort of looks like himself, only more beautiful. It looks so soft and warm, that Robbe can almost feel that warmth himself. Sander pauses, leans back to look at it from another angle, and notices Robbe looking too. Sander smiles a bit sheepishly.

"It's beautiful," Robbe says, voice soft, carefully keeping his eyes on the drawing and not on Sanders face.

"You like it?" Sander asks, and Robbe looks at him now, sees Sander biting his lip, his eyes searching Robbe's face. 

"Yeah," Robbe's voice sounds thick in his head, and he tries to clear his throat. He looks back at the drawing unable to look Sander in the eyes. "You're really talented." He means it, he's never seen anything like it. He glances at Sander and watches his skin flush deliciously. "Is this your project?"

"Sort of, I'm working on an art performance piece, and I want to incorporate plants somehow, so I wanted to talk to you about them. But I guess I got too carried away with this drawing." He paused, looking timidly at Robbe. "Can I show you something?" 

"Okay," Robbe shifts so he can see Sander's notebook better.

"Come here," Sander shifts to the side of the bean bag, and pats the open space. Robbe hesitates, before standing up and moving to the chair. He sits on the edge, trying not to touch Sander more than he has to. 

Sander waves his hand towards the lanterns, and they extinguish themselves. Then he scoots down so that he's lying on his back, before pulling Robbe down next to him. Lying like this makes it impossible for Robbe not to slid into the dip of the bean bag, and their sides press firmly together. Robbe focuses on breathing, praying that Sander cannot here the hummingbird thrum of his heart. Sander lifts the notebook and moves his hand over the page. The boy on the page glows gold, shimmering in the dark, lifting from the page and floating, suspended over their heads. Gold ribbons snake through the air around the boy, twisting and shaking. Robbe stares in wonder. Sander waves his hand towards the gold shapes, and they morph, reforming into a little fox that bounds around the greenhouse, gold paw prints shimmering in the air before disappearing. Robbe giggles in delight, and looks at Sander, to find the other boy already looking at him. Sander is breathtaking in the gold light; his usually silvery hair shines gold, and his eyes are bright and deep. The light dances across his face, brightness and shadow shifting over his skin. The gold fox dissolves, and gold light rain down on them, lighting their skin with golden kisses. Robbe can't move, can't look away. His heart jackhammers in his chest, and he thinks Sander must be able to hear it. Sander looks back at him with just as much wonder on his face, and he's leaning closer and closer to Robbe. He can't hold himself back from leaning in too, even though he knows he shouldn't, even though he knows he'll regret it if he doesn't pull back. They pause, just a breath away from their lips brushing, when Robbe's phone rings. The gold falls from the air, shifting back into place on Sander's page, and the Solar Limoniums are the only light source in the room. Sander is blue and silver, achingly beautiful, and Robbe can't breathe. They stare at each other in confusion for a moment, before Robbe snaps out of it and pulls his phone from his pocket. It's Zoe, and Robbe answers it immediately on instinct, knows that she will worry if he doesn't. 

"Hello?" His voice is barely above a whisper, still staring at Sander. 

"Hey, you okay?"

"Uh, yeah. What's up?"

"I just thought you would be home by now, the party starts in an hour," Zoe trails off.

"Er, right, I'll be there soon." He hangs up, and stands before he can get lost in Sander again and definitely be late for the party. "Um, I have to go, I forgot we're hosting a party tonight." Robbe looked down at Sander, who still seemed a bit dazed, but who stood too. 

"Okay, yeah." He stuffs his notebook into his messenger bag and slings it across his body. "I'll walk you?" He stands uncertainly, looking at Robbe, fiddling with the strap of his bag.

Robbe nods, grabs his own things and follows Sander out of the greenhouse. It's dark outside, deep royal blue blending into lilac in the horizon. In the dark, Robbe can feel the fragility of the situation, and he scrambles for something to say, but he doesn't even know what he wants. And even if he did, he doesn't think it would change anything, because he still wants nothing more than Sander's protection. But before he can think of something to say, Sander speaks.

"Thank you." His voice is quit in the heavy darkness.

"What for? I didn't get around to helping you with your project." He chuckles quietly, shy and uncertain.

"You did. But I could still use some help, if you don't mind." Sander smiles at Robbe, before turning back to the dark sky. "But I meant thank you for letting me see your space."

"Oh." Robbe took an unsteady breath. Somehow Sander had sensed how big of a deal it had been for Robbe to have him there, and that thought only made him more confused about what to do. "I liked having you there," Robbe said, quiet and shy; a confession. He flushed, and kept his eyes focused on the lilac tree line in front of them.

Sander doesn't reply, instead takes Robbe's hand in his, holding it firmly in his gentle grip. Robbe sucks in a breath, as warmth shoots up his arm, straight to his heart. When he doesn't move away, Sander laces their fingers together, giving Robbe's hand a light squeeze. 

They walked hand in hand the rest of the way to Robbe's flat, speaking quietly. They stopped in front of Robbe's door, and Sander pulled Robbe around so they faced each other. He brought his hand up, the one not still twined with Robbe's, and brushed his fingertips over Robbe's cheek bone. "Do you want to come to the party? Noor will be there." Robbe held his breath for the answer. 

"I can't, I have to meet my mom. But I'll see you soon?" He trailed his thumb along Robbe's jaw, making Robbe shiver and blush all over again.

Robbe nodded. "You have my number, so…" He couldn't help how his eyes dropped to Sander's mouth, before flicking back up to his eyes.

Sander grinned. "Bye, Robbe." Then he was leaning closer and closer, and Robbe's lips were parting slightly, his eyes heavy with anticipation. But Sander just brushed his lips gently against Robbe's cheek, before pulling away. He squeezed Robbe's hand once more, smiling crookedly at him, before turning to go. 

Robbe watched him walk away, unable to move until Sander was well out of sight. He shook himself, then rushed inside. He wanted to lock himself in his room so that he could freak out in private before people arrived, but Zoe called him into the kitchen as soon as he closed the front door behind him. He sighed, but went to her, collapsing onto one of the kitchen chairs. 

"Hey, you okay? Were you on campus?"

"Yeah. Greenhouse-" he paused, taking a steadying breath, "-with Sander."

"Oh?" Zoe turned back to the stove, and Robbe could tell she was trying not to react. He smiled to himself, overwhelmed with appreciation for her. He stood up and wrapped his arms around her. She turned in his grip and hugged him back. "So, what are you guys like, together?" 

"No! Or, I don't know, we didn't talk about it. But he held my hand." Robbe flushed, feeling like a high schooler with a crush. 

"Well, whatever it is, I'm happy for you." Zoe turns back to the stove, stirring the pot.

"Yeah," Robbe sighed, deflating a bit. That morning felt like a lifetime ago, but now that he was out of Sander's presence the guilt came rushing back; all the reasons why he shouldn't have let Sander take his hand, shouldn't have let him kiss his cheek. 

"Hey, it doesn't need to be a big deal, right? Just do what feels good."

Robbe glances at his phone, finally opening the text Sander had sent earlier, "Hi Robbe, it's Sander. You look beautiful in the sun." Robbe smiles, feeling warm and light as air. 

"Thanks, Zoe." He gives her a one-armed hug. "What can I do to help?"

They finished setting up for the party, and when everyone arrived, Robbe found himself on the couch with Jens and the boys. They were talking about the party they went to the night before, and Robbe was happy to be able to sit quietly, nursing his beer, and thinking about Sander. 

"What hot chick has got you all quiet?" Aaron punches Robbe's shoulder, pulling him from his thoughts. 

Robbe rolled his eyes. "None." He shoves Aaron back, grinning at his affronted look.

"Oh, come on, you're single now! What girl would you hook up with?"

"None, Aaron." He took a swig of his beer.

"What, are you gay or what?" Aaron laughed, nudging Mojo conspiratorially. 

"Dude, shut up," Jens said, rolling his eyes, at the same time, Robbe said, "actually, yeah, I am." He froze as he realized what he had just said, but he couldn't find it in himself to regret it, so he shrugged and emptied his beer.

Aaron and Mojo looked at each other, before grinning, and turning back to Robbe. "Okay, question still stands, who here would you hook up with?" Aaron asked.

"Still no one, Aaron." He rolled his eyes at Aaron, but his heart felt big and squishy in his chest.

"Come on, between the three off us, if you had to choose, who would you fuck?" 

"I'm gay, not desperate." Robbe grinned. 

"What, I'm handsome! You know it would be me," Jens said, wagging his eyebrows at Robbe.

"Okay, fine, it would be Jens." He winked at his friend, giggling at Aaron's offended splutter. 

Just then, a pretty blonde girl walked past the couch, and Aaron stared at her open mouthed. He stood up slowly, dazed, and walked after her. Mojo stood too, following him, grinning back at Jens and Robbe.

"Proud of you," Jens says, nudging Robbe's shoulder. 

"Thanks."

"So, is there a guy?"

Robbe flushes. "Kind of. I like someone." He pauses, then whispers "what if I'm too messed up? What if I just cause him pain?" He almost hopes Jens won't hear him. He feels pathetic. 

"You aren't broken, Robbe." He puts an arm around Robbe's shoulders, squeezing him. "Sure, you have some issues, but who doesn't, honestly? Besides, shouldn't it be up to him to decide what he can handle and what he can't?" 

Robbe doesn't reply. He supposes Jens is right, but his guilt is still there, pooling in his stomach. He feels broken. Not like he had last year, not so broken that he felt the need to drown in alcohol and drugs. No, but he was cracked, and he couldn't tell if he was more likely to shatter or if his seams would knit back together. But he longed for Sander. For his touch and his warmth. 

The house was finally quiet, everyone had either left, or fallen asleep on the couches or the floor, and Robbe laid in his bed, trying to sleep. His thoughts swirled, formless, but fast. He tried to focus on his body, on his surrounds. It was too quiet though, so he rolled a joint, letting the haze drag his mind and body into fitful sleep. His dreams that night were dark and heavy, rough hands grabbing him, holding his body down, and he thrashes in his sweat-sticky sheets. He finally wakes up when the light of dawn begins to seem into his room. He blinks at his ceiling, trying to catch his breath. He can feel his seams stretching, threatening to rip wide open, and he clutches his chest as if he can hold himself together with sheer will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANKS FOR READING


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